digital painting over a scan of one of my paintings I did when I was a teen.
sometimes I feel like a crash test dummy, jarred by the accidents of life.
sometimes the vehicle is not safe enough, and we are broken , sometimes it saves us.
At times it feels like I'm falling feet first into the earth as if only falling away from it could bring me closer to home.
Always, I feel like the triangle forced to fit into the round hole or maybe a square one.
Sometimes I feel like I'm clinging to sanity with white knuckles to the edges of my mind…
if only I could force myself to believe enough, would letting go be freedom or a fall to my doom?
I have overcome the hard times in my life saved only by love and hope.
Saved and Damned by hope - the most ghastly gift.
I have been graced to know both love and fear.
Is it fear that keeps us from never being fully happy, or is it that which makes our happiness sweeter?
fear of losing what we have… what we love?
sometimes I feel like my soul is spoiling me from within like a rotten pit.
sometimes I feel like the only part that isn't ruined is that seed in me - the only thing worthwhile, my body the perishable pulp made physical only for the purpose of delivering this seed.... who knows where or when, to whom or what , if anything at all.
sometimes I see people walking around without windows, eyes like mirrors, reflecting the worst parts of me.
I hate them for it... they return in kind.
sometimes I want to rid myself of this, then again, wonder if removing this part would leave me weak and somehow less human. sometimes I feel the weakest part of me is my heart, other times, it's the strongest.
Sometimes I feel like a good person, and sometimes bad. I guess both... each at once the pyramid and the sphere, material and space, full and emptiness, the pit and the fruit, the mirror and the window, at home and yet in a strange land, hopeful and fearful.... never, always, and sometimes neither.